TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have A different location where by American men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: give Anyone a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Trump Tower Damascus Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should really halt employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the venture, replied, "You realize, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Good tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a function staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not only hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting focus from Global traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have turn-down services."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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